Sunday, January 10, 2010
There are times (more frequently than not) where I either don't want to say what's really on my mind or feel that I should say something but I don't know what it is. I can't even to begin to express how frustrating that can be and each instance just leads to a dangerous self-destructive series of thoughts. So I've developed the bad habit of not speaking up. Now I can do my share to hold a conversation but when there's something I don't say the effect is me only listening to what's being said or just being an observer in a room-not having an active presence and not contributing to what's going on. And honestly, there are time when my mind is completely blank. Of course I won't/don't have something to say about anything and everything but I can ask questions, I can learn more about what's going on instead of shutting down. Doing so I feel will help me be in the moment, relate to friends on a deeper level and learn more from and about those around me.
Let me talk more about this painting.
When I started the painting (can be seen in the slideshow images-link below) the background was going to be gray. Once I finished the background it wasn't sitting right with me so I had to pick another color. I chose a deep blue to resemble the color of a blue Sapphire (sapphire is my birthstone-props to the September babies). I had recently read up on its meaning which is honesty and foresight so the color couldn't be more perfect for this painting.
I took a picture of my mouth for this piece. I thought about using reference photos for this but it's my issue I'm dealing with so of course my own mouth would be most appropriate. At first I thought that I would have the bars more up front where the teeth are, but holding back isn't something that's on the surface for me. This is deep within so the bars felt more appropriate at the back of the throat. The uvula (little dangily thing at the back of your throat) was a perfect spot for placing a key. I felt that painting the mouth in color would take away from the presence of the key in back so I painted it in black/white.
The key is placed behind the bars because you (the reader and anyone outside of me) can't free me from this. It's my cell to unlock. The freedom/ability to express lies within me however growing up, I put each of those jail bars in place. What comes out of me presently is filtered through the bars. I am more conscious of it now that thoughts that make me uncomfortable or thoughts where I end up over thinking, lie to waste behind the bars. No one benefits from this. You may imagine that reversing this bad habit will be hard and it will, but these bars are becoming more and more uncomfortable with each breath.
Therefore beginning immediately, I am taking steps to feel more comfortable expressing emotion from anger, contentment, sadness, frustrating, etc. Now that doesn't mean blurting out anything that comes to mind. There are steps to communicating effectively. It isn't just what I want to say but also how the other person will interpret and react to what's said and checking in that the person interpreted correctly what I wanted to express. There must certainly be thought on my part before saying what I want in a clear and constructive way. I can't control your emotions just as you can't control mine, but I should take into consideration how you may react.
With all that said, I'm very fortunate to have my close friends to help me dismantle these bars (thank you...you know who you are). I look forward to my release.
[To view a slideshow of the painting in progress, click here: http://www.rockyou.com/show_my_gallery.php?source=ppsl&instanceid=156018288]